Letting of (False) Control

You ever have one of those moments where you feel like you get a revelation from God in a split-second? I think I had one of those today…

I found myself anxious and angry for a short time today. The reason was that I’m not able to eat the things I want to. Then the revelation came.

I get anxious about fasting because I feel like I’m giving up (too much) control. Hear me out. Sometimes I feel like there is so much in my life that is out of my control. As a result, I realized today that I cling to whatever vestiges of control I actually have. Eating is a BIG one.

Like I said in an earlier post, typically if I feel the desire to go out for pizza, I’m going out for pizza! Eating is sort of the one area of my life that I don’t skimp on. PF Chang’s craving? Cool, let’s go. It’s a sense of control for me. I want, I take.

Control isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But in that moment of revelation something else showed up: I fear letting go of control because somewhere deep down, I feel like letting go of the few areas I actually have authority over will mean that I’ll lose my mind. Kind of weird logic isn’t it?

If you’ve ever seen the music video for 1000 Generations’ song “Fail Us Not,” you know that a struggle for me is anxiety. It’s awful and at times it feels out of control. Somehow over the years, I’ve tied my “sanity” to my sense of (false) control. Again, it doesn’t matter that it’s food; it’s simply control. Odd, but true.

So here I sit with this revelation. My next step is to simply bring this before my Father and repent. I’m ready to be free of all that tries to hold me down.

How about you? Are there any areas of control that give you a sense of (false) authority? I know that’s a deep one, but I’m just curious if you struggle with something weird and illogical like this to?

With love,